Also, got a new camera this week – Canon EOS 550D.  It’s a digital SLR that takes absolutely stunning HD video.  I’ll be testing it out on a few projects, so stay tuned.  I’ll also be adding a “Photos” section soon to show off some pics I take.  Yet another stage of me taking over the world, one hobby at a time.

I have another poem for you – it’s very long, disgusting, and hopefully funny!  Bad language starts now!

Out shopping with the family
My feet are tired and sore
Non-stop arsing and fucking about
Going from store to store

Ancient bastards everywhere
The shuffling of coffin-dodgers
It’s like a scene from “Dawn of the Dead”
Watching these silly old codgers.

The children aren’t much better
Screaming round the place
“Mummy, daddy, I want this!”
They’ll get a slap around the face.

Suddenly, without alarm,
I feel an almighty need.
My colon’s going apeshit,
To the toilet stalls I speed.

As I rush past all the wankers,
The bastards and the dicks,
I notice a mile-long queue
Outside the shitters of the chicks.

I hope the gents isn’t busy,
Cos this payload’s on its way.
My sphincter’s getting sweaty
Keeping this behemoth crap at bay.

My pace has had to quicker
But my sanctuary’s almost here
“Get the fuck out of my fucking road!”
I shout to a dipshit loitering near.

I make it to the toilets
Oh balls! No traps are free!
Just my luck, there’s a urinal,
If only I needed to pee.

A flash of inspiration!
A moment of kismet!
Something rather evil,
But I’m busting for a shet.

I’ll use the disabled toilet
I know it’s just not right,
But where else could I drop this
Absolute whopper of a shite?

I understand it’s frowned upon,
But I really need to go!
My legs are getting restless
And my bowel’s about to blow.

I drag my sorry keishter
And lock the door behind,                
Drop my anxious trolleys
And hope the world is kind.

Please don’t be too sloppy,
Please don’t be too sore,
I’ve only got my chap stick
I won’t apply it there no more.

There’s a torpedo in the firing bay,
Put the horse before the cart.
I give a little squeeze of my cheeks
Out pops a warning fart.

The train has left the station,
The lander’s on the moon,
It’s time for the doors to open
Not a minute too soon.

Fuck me, it feels like childbirth
This bastard wants a fight!
My face is getting redder
And my legs are turning white.

I think I’m through the worst of it
I’ve passed a stone of mud.
I look down in horror and happiness,
Oh good, no signs of blood.

I’m glad all that is over,
It’s time to finish off.
One more push for feeling
A splutter and a cough.

Holy shit, that’s rotten
Did that come out of me?
I need some spray, deodorant,
Or at least a Magic Tree.

Time to wipe my ringpiece
Oh shit, oh fuck, oh piss!
I’m such a fucking arsehole
I can’t fucking believe this!

I should have checked for paper
Before I sat my fat ass down
I’m wearing khaki combats
Which may be destined to be brown.

There’s nothing I could even use
No scrap, no piece, no leaf
I’m stuck here in the crapper
With no signs of wipe relief.

Oh wait, I have my mobile!
I could phone the wife!
She could buy some shitewipe,
Deliver and save my life.

This would become a funny story,
To tell our friends en masse,
A tale of toilet humour
With whimsy and with crass.

I unholster my telephone
I hold it with one hand
I search for the missus’ number
I press the call button and….

I hear the sound I really hate
I call Three Pips of Doom
It means I have no signal
In this fluorescent room.

I curse the networks up and down
For not letting my call get through
The steel, the concrete, the wiring,
And possibly, my poo.

I glance over at the tiny sink,
Cripes, I’m really stinking.
It may be an inanimate object,
But it knows just what I’m thinking.

I start to shuffle over
Like a penguin on the ice
I turn on the tap with my left hand,
With my right, do owt un-nice.

Ten minutes pass and I return to shop
Looking for the ball and chain
Unable to look at properly
My right hand ever again.

Oh no, I’ve spotted someone
I haven’t seen in a while
I hope he hasn’t seen me,
I try to run a mile.

Too late, he’s turned to face me
I curse and smile as our eyes meet
He saunters over towards me
For this inevitable greet.

It’s like my world went slo-mo
As he gives my hand a squeeze.
He chats away obliviously
I feel a little queaze.

We chat for what feels like ages,
He doesn’t loosen that grip.
I regret accepting
My place on this shopping trip.

He says his goodbyes to me,
We part our ways at last
I leave before he sniffs his hand
I’m out of there quite fast.

I’m feeling rather guilty
Of that there is no doubt.
It’s only a matter of time
Before he finds me out.

He’ll think I’m so disgusting,
A dirty faecal freak
Who spends their day in the khazi,
Rummaging in keek.

I’m starting to remember,
I wasn’t fond of that there guy.
I know we used to work together,
I hate him, but can’t think why?

 Oh yes, there was that one time
Way back in the parking lot.
He smashed his car door against mine
Said nothing of it, not a jot.

 Took me ages to get that scrape out,
To hide the evidence of that shunt,
So now his hand smells rightly of my shit,
He deserves dysentery, the bad man.

I’m not going to go into the details and specifics – it would take too long to explain all of the intricacies of the situation, but if you ask me and we’re in a group, I’ll tell you more of the story.

The crux of it is this – Sir Ridley Scott and Brad Pitt have heard of my endeavours, and wish me all the luck in the world.

It really is as simple as that.  Pretty cool, eh?

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone involved from the bottom of my cold, dead heart for their help, advice, professionalism and patience.  I could not have done everything I wanted to achieve on my own, and I will be eternally grateful.  I suppose the greatest token of my thanks will be the finished article itself, which should be ready for Halloween, but don’t hold me to that! 

 Scifi 2010 will undoubtedly be something that this country has never seen before, and it will truly be a showcase for what can be achieved with a great cast, crew, locations, and story.

 The website will be going live soon, as will the teaser trailers.  Over the next few months a trailer will be unleashed, then some sort of premiere will be organised.

 Sure, the time will fly in!

Did somebody say “wrap party”?

I also watched “Fitzcarraldo” last weekend, directed by my new favourite maverick director, Werner Herzog.  It’s a film about one man’s love and obsession with the opera, and how he literally has to move a boat over a mountain in order to achieve his dream.  Herzog casts his long-time f(r)iend Klaus Kinski in the role, and his performance is outstanding – he has such a presence and charisma onscreen.

On a side note, I wrote a little poem a while ago, and I’d like to share it with you all.  It’s not Vogon poetry, so you should be OK.

Holy shit, my arse is achin’
I wish I didn’t scoff all that bacon
Now my ring is worn and sore
I doubt I’ll be able to shit any more

Its whithered and dead, fucked and in tatters
It’ll never win awards in fecal matters
Theres a hole where the nipsy was, the size of my palm
I wonder if Boots sells sphincter balm?

It’s amazing the damage that’s caused by faeces
The gravestone reads RIP – ring in paeces
There was only a yelp – no time to mourn
The bit of my bowel, the colon, is torn

In the bowl, laughing, and covered in blood
A giant brown mass, lonesome, he stood
Little beady eyes looked up to say
“You’ll never shit solid, it’ll come out like a spray!”

“That’s what you get for not watching what you eat”
“You’ll always need a cushion to comfort your seat”
So boys and girls, take this lesson to heart -
Be careful when you shit, and dubious when you fart.

Poet Laureate, here I come!

A few things happened over the course of last month, the most important being that my father suffered a heart attack.  Thankfully, Bill Snr is grand: back at home and in the best of form.  It was a scary few days though, and I still hate hospitals, even though the staff are great.

Another… well, I don’t know what to call it, so the word “incident” will have to suffice.  Another “incident” happened during filming which threw the production into disarray.  Not really – I just rolled with the punch, made a decision and saw it through.  A few reshoots of specific scenes have been completed.

Also, I’ve been busy putting some razzle dazzle on the two teasers for the film.  These will be shown to the world via the website, which will be going live soon.  Everything about the film will move to the new site, and the arduous task of editing the beast will continue, along with some promotional work.

I’ve also managed to get some other post-production work, casting my magic spells on other projects, so it seems my black magic will be growing within Northern Ireland like a positive strain of the plague.

Speaking of plagues and useless paeces of faeces…. wait, no – that’s a blog entry for another day.

As always, I’ve got my fingers in lots of pies (insert appropriate fattist joke here), but it doesn’t stop me being a family man.  Just this evening, I taught my daughter to say “I know” in a Geordie accent.  Who knows what I’ll teach her tomorrow?

Spoilers ahead!

The poster of the film

People who don’t like this film don’t get it.  Right from the start, Martin Scorsese is playing with the audience.  Many nerds and geeks will watch it and guffaw a few times, saying “haha, the continuity is out of whack!”.  These people are idiots.

The whole film is playing with the protagonist’s (and our) perception; the continuity is out of whack deliberately to confuse and disjoint us – Thelma doesn’t balls things up.

The thing I really liked about the film is that both endings are possible – Teddy may be insane, or he may have been set up, it’s up to the audience to decide.  The film deserves multiple viewings, but not just for this reason alone; watch it many times, simply because it is a great film by an auteur.

I’ve heard a few people that have said Scorsese knows nothing about films; these people know nothing of anything, and deserve to spend the rest of their lives on Shutter Island.

It sure has been a lot of fun though!

Filming started on Monday 8th March in Bangor, and should be almost complete shortly after Easter.  Looking back, there were a lot of great times and some brilliant chats with different people.  Oh yeah, the acting and footage was good also!

I filmed in Bangor, Lisburn and Ballyclare so far: no Belfast scenes as yet, but there may not be any call for filming in the capital city at all; this country has a wealth of great locations outside of Belfast, and it would have been a waste not to use them.

I’ve also edited the first teaser for the film, and it should go live along with the website and the other teaser within April sometime.  I’m really looking forward to sifting through the footage and editing this epic beast, which means it probably won’t be ready until sometime around Halloween, but don’t worry: if you really wanna see the film, it’ll be worth the wait!

Anyway, I’m offski to write a book about my adventures!

Shooting begins tomorrow on my Science Fiction film, and I’ve been really busy getting things sorted for it.  Here’s a little sneaky peek at a little vid that is part of the mise-en-scene of the scenes being filmed tomorrow:

By the way – if you still want to help out, get in touch!

Anyhow, I was watching the BAFTAs last night, and I was particularly interested in the “Best First Director Award” – as a first timer myself, it’s nice to see what’s happening in the real world.

I was a bit miffed by who won the award – Duncan Jones for Moon.

Now, I fully admit I don’t know the guy, and I probably never will.  I don’t have issue with him, just the decision to award him the BAFTA.  Moon didn’t really do anything for me, to be honest.  It had a decent enough trailer and concept, but I found it unexciting for the most part.  I kept expecting something big to happen, which never did.  The scale of the production was immense, and the special effects and model sequences were awe-inspiring, but I found the story lack-lustre.  Hang me if you like – it’s just my opinion, and I’m a nobody.

What got on my nerves was the fact that this “first time director” has never suffered the kind of rejection, stress, heartache, and general turmoil that most first timers experience, myself included, as he is David Bowie’s son.

Let that sink in for a moment.  David Bowie’s son – Zowie Bowie – now Duncan Jones, has a wealth of contacts, and an immediate access to funding for his career.  Even Trudie Styler got in on the act – Sting’s wife, who occasionally produces films.  He has bypassed most of the hurdles that first timers endure because he has money – money for crew, cast, equipment, sets, props and special effects. 

It would be great to have a huge money pot to delve into as a first timer – it could solve a lot of my problems I’m facing at the minute with my own production.  But wait – most of the problems I’m facing aren’t life or death – they just require some troubleshooting.  I like troubleshooting.  I like looking at a problem and coming up with solutions.  Maybe having no money isn’t so bad after all, as I jump from one puzzle to another in my quest to get my vision onto a viewable medium.  Maybe I shouldn’t be too bitter about having no money as perhaps Mr Jones is missing out on some of the more exciting and challenging aspects of filmmaking.

It would be nice to have the experience of both to compare and contrast!

Congratulations to Duncan Jones for his First Time Director BAFTA.  I did actually enjoy it!

Status of movie?  On schedule.  Today I shot the last of the teaser trailers, so they will both go live with the website.

Locations are coming thick and fast, and so are extra helpers.  It’s an exciting time, and I’m really looking forward to getting everyone together next week for a meet and greet, as well as the first readthru.  The script is finally finished, and I’ve found a great title – hurrah!

So March 8th is 4 weeks away.  Can’t effing wait!